Am I losing it?

Too many times I have said “enough”. I´ve fallen back into old habits and ways of thinking. In those moments I get caught up in it and shut out that voice in my head that´s whispering the words I don´t want to hear. It can be overindulging on food that I know makes me feel bad, physically and mentally. Socializing or activities that I no longer enjoy. Putting my dreams to the side and letting negative thoughts run the show. Swapping from self-care to self-harm. For years I´ve worked on myself; my dreams, beliefs, values, health, fitness and so on. I´ve looked internally and externally. Self-discovery books, motivational speakers on podcasts, inspiring influences online, live events – you name it, I´ve properly have looked into it. I so desperately want to become the best version of myself. My mission is to live a life beyond my wildest imagination and to feel amazing in my own body. I want to thrive in all areas of my life. The message “You are in control of your own destiny” has been said so many times that I fully believe it true. But is this easier said than done?

Yet with all the information that’s spinning around in my head and all the willpower to achieve my dreams, I´m stuck. Even with all the step by step guides, I feel like I´m still standing at square one. Without being overly dramatic I know I have changed a lot over the years. We always change and evolve. Today you are not exactly who you were yesterday. We all transform, everyone at their own speed. Sometimes we take one step forward and release we are totally off track, so we go back to the crossing, read the road signs again and try the other path. These moments do cause a delay but are very valuable as well. Trust me when I say, I´m so grateful for my life. All the ups and downs. As cliché as it is, I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. But I want more. Being grateful for what I have and living in the present moment is a practice which I do take part in. Sitting by the beach watching the sunrise is the perfect moment when I truly feel blessed for it all. That moment doesn´t last 24/7 though.

The balance between living in the moment and dreaming of my future is out of place. Instead it feels like an inner battle. I know what my heart desires and what shows up in my visualizations. It becomes clearer the more I work with it. The feeling brings is a mix between peace and calmness: an inner knowing that it´s going to be alright. However, those are moments that helps to keep my head cool but not fully giving me a calm mind. You see, I´m a big dreamer. Always have been and always will be. I want so much that I don’t always know what I want. You could also say that I´m lacking the ability to make my mind up and yes that´s one way of looking at it. If you ask me to host a dinner party, I will come up with a dozen dishes to cook. Often, they say “just make up your mind and pick one” but I want to make them all because they are all delicious and fun to make. My vision for that dinner will go over and beyond what would make the guests happy, yet it excites me. I love dreaming big and live by James Dean´s quote.

“Dream as if you will live forever; Live as if you will die today”

James Dean

Lately my doubts have been about my productivity. This idea that I’m a big dreamer but don’t have what it takes to put the actual work in. Before diving into that topic, I started with believing I lacked the knowledge of “how to”. The guide of how I could use my knowledge into action taking steps. Turns out that that was not the full answer either. Looking at my actions and daily habit was one clue to finding the answer but did not complete the puzzle. In all the work that has been done until this moment, some steps were right and some were not, but all in all the steps kind of look like this.

  • Learn more about yourself, your values and beliefs.
  • Get clear on your dreams and goals.
  • Find inspiration and motivation.
  • Build a step to step guide how to move the needle forward.
  • Surround yourself with the right people.
  • Be grateful for the journey, with all the ups and downs. Celebrate every milestone.

I might have forgotten a step or two, but you get the full picture. Point is there is one step you properly see is missing. Results. That´s where I´m stuck. Sure, I have had some wins which I do acknowledge and celebrate. However, lately I have felt further away from the dream than I have done in a very long time. Moments of self-doubt are a part of the journey and falling down is essential for growth. It teaches us valuable lessons and helps us grow thicker skin. It helps to stop you in your tracks and reevaluate if you´re really on the right path. Speeding in the fast lane will definitely make you miss the signs and you’ll miss your turnoff. A downfall helps you stay grounded. With all this said, you may think, “but where are you really stuck? Be patient and the results will come”.

After years of work, I think I finally understand what was wrong. The most important piece of the puzzle was missing. When the idea first showed up, it wasn’t fully unknown, I´ve seen the signs many times before but never estimate it´s full value. Looking into the answer that was so obvious I could see a red thread going through all areas of my life. It showed up in my career, relationship, wellbeing, finances to mention a few. I do not believe in myself. I´m missing the belief that I can and deserve to reach my dreams. That´s why I go into relationships that aren’t sustainable, why I sabotage myself with overindulging on junk food, why I slow down when opportunities arise, why I spend all my money when I finally saved up, why I stop creating content when things a flowing and why I feel so lost every time things are going great. In my life I´m blessed with people who believe in me. Hearing from your loved ones that they believe you will do great things is the sweetest music you´ll ever hear. But if you don´t fully agree with the words, it won´t fully empower you as it should. Instead it can bring you down and parlays you. Their encouraging words will turn into a heavy burden. Right now, I feel like those lovely words hangs over my head like a rainy cloud. Worst of all, my own dreams and expectations is the heaviest of them all. Like a constant storm that shows up from nowhere and sweeps me of my feet. It makes me shut off from the outside world. I want to close the windows and pull down the curtains, and hide inside, waiting for the storm to pass. A feeling of doing a disservice to myself; of not following my path, to both myself and those I pass along the way, brings trouble to my mind. Because I do want to be of service. I want to make a change in this world. I want to live that life beyond my wildest imagination, but I can´t do that if I don´t believe in myself.

What ever we want in our lives, self belief is the foundation stone. It´s that most important pillar in the house that holds it all together. Sure, you can reach success without it but when the storm comes, it´s that one that holds the roof from falling. It’s that one thing from taking you past the roadblock, then one thing that makes you aware of the signs. It´s that one thing that helps you keep pushing, searching and longing. It´s your inner compass. If you truly believed in yourself you wouldn´t date that person you don’t really like, you wouldn’t sabotage your hard work at the gym with overindulging on sweets during the weekend, you wouldn´t hesitate to wear that outfit, you wouldn´t compare yourself to others or you wouldn´t stay at the job you hate. This is the big truth for so many of us.

When you have discovered this, what do you do next? Well, changing your belief system is not an overnight progress. It requires practice. I´ve heard and read about this topic before but never done the actual work. Or I thought I had but apparently not, because here I am writing the longest post of them all. I was even worried it would turn into a book but then again, I don´t believe I can write a book (notice the pattern). I feel my dreams so deep in my core. They create movement within. They’re there, and they’re itching for me to realize them. I know this is what I need to work on in order to move forward. This is the theme of my next chapter. How I will make this work, I´m not fully sure of yet but I will fill you in along the way. Acknowledging the problem is always the first step, now action is required. Starting with turning inwards and taking it step by step.  If I want to make my dreams come true, I need to believe in myself.

I am worthy and I am deserving.

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